The Problem
 
Being the emotionally sensitive man that I am, it has only taken me 18 years of work in the ministry to detect an undercurrent of dissatisfaction amongst women regarding the quality of the men they have become allied with. Surprisingly, many of the gents who arouse this ire are themselves, at least in their own estimate, Christians. When I hear the stories of sin, bad judgment and outright stupidity women have had to endure, I have to ask myself, how did these women end up with these losers? Didn’t they at some point have a chance to say “no?” Was there no warning? Whether early in the game or late, our society does in fact give women the chance to say “no.” Whether in response to the question, “Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?” or “Will you marry me?” we grant women the all-important opportunity to decline. The problem, then, must be that women don’t have a proper understanding of what criteria must be met before that “no” becomes a “yes.” This, then, is a guide intended to fill the void, a comprehensive and Biblically-based guide for how a woman, especially a Christian one, should go about separating the wheat from the chaff when it comes to men.
Men are simple creatures, and so a discussion of them can and should be kept simple as well. Men have two needs, food and sex, and with divine symmetry, they also have two functions in the family. Paul, in his famous passage in Ephesians chapter five, says that men should treat women the way they treat their own bodies, by 1) feeding them and 2) caring for them. At the risk of being branded a quisling to the XY faction, I will now describe what a latent wife-feeder might look like. Part II of the Guide will explore if he is also capable of caring for you. In a penultimate essay I will prescribe a list of do’s and don’ts for locating a man, and then Part IV will conclude with The Great Secret: how to land the catch.
Today: Can He Feed Me?
Let’s start with a man’s first obligation: feeding a wife. This complex task is accomplished through an activity many men find abhorrent: finding and keeping a job. Thus, the first question you should ask a male candidate while you are out trolling is this: “What do you do for a living?” If the answer is, “I am in between jobs”…”I’m a freelance (insert lame job here)” or “I design web pages,” smile and say, “What a wonderful career” and head for the door. Assuming they have a job, which actually pays something, your next question should be designed to ferret out just what kind of job it is.
The problem here is that all jobs are not created equal. Society rewards those who have skills it needs by paying them in proportion to that need. Thus, society doesn’t need unskilled labor much, and so it doesn’t pay those people a lot. Witness most clergy. It does need those with real talent and dedication, however, and so it tends to pay doctors and basketball stars a lot more. What’s important here is that the job at least have the potential to pay well, preferably with a salary. A salary means an amount paid, rain or shine, each year, to get the job done. Hourly wages don’t pay when you’re sick or on vacation, and hourly wage jobs usually don’t have any fringe benefits like health or life insurance or pensions. These things may seem trivial now, but unless you have them, your marriage is likely to be a financial rodeo. And what makes a man attractive, actually, if not this ability to bring home the bacon? Look at Anna Nicole Smith. She obviously doesn’t care what a man looks like, or how well he dances. Her motto is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Sure she’s a mercenary, but she’s also proof women can overlook a lot if there’s a promise of financial security We live in a world of scarcity, and society actively punishes those who have not taken steps early on in life to gain marketable skills.
And this brings us to the corollary matter of education. You see, the guy can only advance in his chosen field of endeavor to the extent that he knows what he’s doing. This means education beyond junior high, girls. There was a time when a high school diploma meant the key to success; but those days are deader than disco. Today, you’ve absolutely got to have something more in your holster than reading, writing and ‘rithmetic. There are exceptions to this rule of being educated, however. Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard to write DOS, but last I heard, this is not the norm. Date the good-looking guy who cleans your swimming pool and you may have fun for a season, but in the end, he’ll never earn a decent salary. If you want a man who can bring home the dollars, then by all means go after the class nerd who’s already written a program to combat spam and who’s three months away from being a millionaire. Drop the idea that you care about what a guy looks like, or what kind of moves he has. All that is crap. What counts first and foremost is simply this: can he make enough money so that you don’t have to work and life’s not one on-going financial battle? Somebody’s got to be refreshed come evening time, when the real work of living starts.
Next Issue: Can He Care For Me?
Part II: Can He Care for Me?
In Part I of the Guide, I revealed the sine qua non of picking a man, that he possess a useful skill. That, in turn, usually means education. I don’t want to subscribe to a crude economic determinism, but without a real career, a man’s just a drag on his family. Besides, when a man’s educated, he learns more about the larger world, and can actually, believe it or not, develop some sensibilities which have a nice domestic touch. Imagine, if you will, a man who can actually read books with big words in them and no pictures (like the Bible,) listen to spoken addresses (like sermons,) and actually see tomorrow’s implications for today’s actions. A famous sociologist has said that the only real difference between the social classes is that upper class people can think about tomorrow, while lower class people cannot. Staying in school to get an education or at least some sort of valid trade skill is a prerequisite for being a good husband and father, which is a pretty good definition of what it means to have class.
That said, what about the second function men are to perform for women, the “caring” for a wife? I know that using the words “man” and “caring” in the same sentence is to invite scorn and disbelief, but indulge me for the moment. The fact is, women are physically weaker than men, and need to be protected from things that will do them harm, such as other stupid men, cars with flat tires, jars that won’t open, taxes and bill-paying. Women can do just about anything if they put their mind to it, but that doesn’t mean they should. It’s not about ability, but about manners. Emily Post says manners are the art of making people feel comfortable, and a man can actually make a woman feel good on occasion if he’ll take over some basic responsibilities.
Simply put, the man you are looking for will make sure you do not have to be afraid of the predations of other men or machines. He will say nice things about you to his friends, he will oppose those who give you trouble, and he will know how to do simple mechanical procedures so that you will not have to. He will change the oil in your car, check on the pressure in the tires, he will wash the thing and empty his beer cans out of the back seat if the kids need to go along. He will know how to drive a stick and help you to learn to do so as well. He will know how to set up the VCR to tape Access Hollywood, ER and American Idol for you, even when he doesn’t want to watch them himself. He will do the taxes, balance the checkbook, have a family budget and work with you to keep shoe acquisitions in line with income. He will not have dippy habits like golf, gambling, drinking to excess or anything else which hurt his ability to earn or manage money. He will mow the lawn, clean the gutters, and fix appliances when necessary without calling the repairman.
Finally, a man should protect his wife from the most dangerous thing of all, your own children. No man worthy of the name will shirk his responsibility of disciplining the children. He will believe in corporal punishment, while being able to distinguish between honest mistakes, fatigue and outright rebellion on the part of the child. Such a father makes sure that the kids are secure within limits, so that his wife can be a mother and not a monster. God has ordained that in order to make kids, you need a mother and father. It is His plan that the dude stick around and deal with the fruit of his fun. Every family needs a parent to minister justice, and one to minister grace. This is to reflect Jesus’ dual role as Savior and Lord. How you divide up the work is up to you, but it can’t be done right without a man around.
Next Issue: The Yeti, The Unicorn, and the Desirable Man
Part III: The Yeti, The Unicorn, and the Desirable Man
By now you’re no doubt saying, “Such men exist only in The Princess Bride and other fairy tales.” Not so. There are actually good men out there, but unfortunately, they’re hiding. Hunted to near extinction within the Church, many have sought refuge in other habitats where they can live in peace. Your job, ladies, is to go and find them. As I’ve already hinted, your first move might be to stop looking in church at all. I will go so far as to say that many of the character traits you want in a man; a love of truth, a penchant for honesty and fair play, a sense of humor and a brain may prove incompatible with church attendance. Face it, many churches are so often dull, religious, hypocritical and downright incorrect in what they believe and teach that they’re not worth the lightning God could use to destroy them. So step number one is to stop looking for the guy who’s already converted. It’s easier to make a man a Christian than to make a Christian a man, if you know what I mean. This doesn’t mean you should engage in missionary dating to the extent that you deny your moral stance. It simply means that the revelation of the Lordship of Jesus Christ can dawn upon a man in an instant, while the necessary preparations that make him a suitable life partner take years and years, with or without the accoutrements of religion. You can find unattached straight men in church, but be prepared for Islamic levels of repression, stultified love-making, and a generalized candy-assed approach to life.
So if they’re often not in church, then where are they? God made men to be fighters, in part so they can protect their women-folk. To a great extent, however, modern society has robbed men of their opportunities to prove themselves in conflict. Real men will, if given the chance, find other avenues for releasing the aggression and competitiveness God has instilled in them. This is the explanation of all the “extreme” sports and diversions that are gaining popularity. Thus, instead of going to a singles Bible study where the “men” are hopelessly picked over, think of hobbies, cultural activities and recreation that you can relate to where real men might be found and hunted. Don’t worry that rock climbing, mountaineering, auto racing, skiing and scuba diving are dangerous; worry that you might marry some poltroon who doesn’t see the challenge in such things. Besides, that’s why God invented life insurance.
So not only are Christian girls looking in the wrong places, they’re erecting qualifications which may sound spiritual, but which are in fact unbiblical. For starters, don’t faint if the guy drinks a little. Now if he drinks wine coolers, Zema or bourbon of any brand, beware, as the devil has hold of his soul. Beer and single malt scotch, however, represent what God intended barley to be used for. At least, that’s what Friar Tuck would have us believe. Ben Franklin said that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, and I agree. Wine, too, unadulterated, makes man’s heart glad, and Jesus made 180 gallons of the stuff, for crying out loud. The Bible rightly inveighs against drunkenness, but it endorses reasonable drinking. If you want a man, don’t hurt the odds by being so religious.
What I’m driving at is that you want a man, not a mere male. He needs to be able to roust himself to face and meet any challenge in a creative manner and to bring about a positive outcome. If he can solve problems in his vocation and avocations, he can also bring those skills to bear upon problems on the home front. Don’t worry that he be part of your particular religious clique, worry that he’s honest in all his dealings and knows and follows the Golden Rule. That’s all God cares about, and so should you.
Next Issue: How to Land the Catch
Part IV: How to Land the Catch
Women can usually keep their heads and show pretty good judgment when dealing with men as an abstraction. Where trouble usually comes in is when they have somebody on the line who actually seems to be one “who will do.” Threats abound: other women, bad living situations, financial pressures, and worst of all, the dreaded biological clock. The temptation is to resort to chicanery or outright treachery to stand out from the crowd and get the man to propose.
Prudence requires that the first words of guidance on this topic be clear and unequivocal. If you want God’s help at all, you can’t use the devil’s techniques. This means you absolutely cannot engage in shortcuts in order to “help” God find you the proper spouse. This means you must carefully avoid all of the following techniques which may work in the short run but not in the long.
1) Having sexual contact of any sort with the guy before you’re married. If he’s a man of quality, your chastity will increase your desirability, not decrease it. The gentleman won’t even try to hustle you. If you think sex will help, read 2 Samuel chapter 13 on how sex changes a man’s feelings. Not only does premarital sex offend God and hurt your chances for enjoying sex in marriage for the rest of your living days, it tends to lock you into a choice which passing time may suggest is wrong. Never invest in a guy to the point that you can’t, up until you’re at the altar, say, “I’ve changed my mind.”
2) Splitting up an existing marriage by luring the husband away. If he’ll do it to her, he’ll do it to you too. See Malachi chapter 2 for God’s view of divorce. Retreads make bad tires, too. A man’s attitude toward his vows is paramount. Vows are to God, and does this man have the potential to fear God? Put another way, does he fear and respect those authority structures through which God already works? What does he make of his parents, his teachers, the boss, the police, the IRS and the President? If he can’t submit to God’s agents, what makes you think he’s going to submit to you when God speaks to him through you? You see, a woman finds peace and fulfillment not when she’s in charge, but when she’s taken care of in every way. As for all people, male and female, the point is not to be in the top position, but in the proper position. Passion for a woman is tied to letting go, not taking over. Thus, if you want a man you can trust in important matters, he’s got to be somebody who is himself under authority. To the extent that he keeps his vows and is accountable to higher ups, you can lose yourself to his advances, be they practical, romantic, sexual or spiritual.
3) Lowering your standards because he’s the only game in town. Our God is a God of excellence and not compromise. Now all men are, to one degree or another, a “work in progress.” When God made you a helpmeet, he was pointing out that men do need help. But women have needs too, and only a real man can meet those needs. Don’t rush into marriage, and you won’t be subject to the curse of Genesis 3. Bill Gothard used to paraphrase the last part of verse 16 with the words, “You’ll try to control your husband, but he won’t let you.” For goodness’ sake, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You may get the creep to dress better, but you’ll never alter his basic DNA. What you see is, for better or worse, basically what you’ll get.
And this brings us to The Great Secret. In addition to avoiding doing dumb things, there is something positive you can do to get the guy to propose. What you do is pray to God, and give Him permission to choose for you. Don’t go and say, I want this or that one, but rather, give God a list of specifics about what you want, and let Him find the guy who fills those requirements. I’m not advocating an attitude of “Give me anybody.” I’m saying that your prayers should be specific in terms of qualities, but vague in terms of names. When you ask for just old anybody, you dishonor God and imply He doesn’t care or can’t produce. When you get specific and picky, however, you suggest that He’s in fact all-knowing and almighty. All this takes time, as men may take awhile to obey God’s prompting. But if you remember that He’s the one who gave you these needs in the first place, you should be able to trust Him to meet them as well. Most women fail not because they ask too much and become spinsters; most women fail because they ask too little and marry before God tells them to.
So ladies, repeat after me, “No, thank you.” These are the most important words you can ever speak when confronted with the advances of the Homo Sapien male. Whatever you do, do it from faith, because otherwise it’s sin. If men were challenged to get their acts together before women would cooperate with them, they might actually become the useful, domesticated creatures God intended them to be when he made them for Himself, and by way of gift, for you.
The Rev. Robert McLeod is the author of Everything You Know is Wrong: The Case for a New Reformation. It is published by Fenestra Publishers, Tucson, Arizona.
