According to De Toqueville, one of the great advances made by the United States over the societies of Europe was the abolition of class distinctions based merely upon accidents of birth or wealth. Our man Alexis pointed out that Americans, unhindered by such detritus from the past, tend to greater flexibility, civility, and general ease than our stuffy forebears. This is no doubt true, and many a person has benefited from being able to rise in society unhindered by arbitrary prejudices. It can also be argued, however, that the eradication of all social class distinctions has left Americans in something of a cultural vacuum. Without class distinctions it’s difficult to avoid making mistakes in friendships, business associations, and especially marriage! Thus, an attempt is in order to try to resurrect at least a skeletal class paradigm that can help us navigate the treacherous waters of social intercourse without running hopelessly aground.
A word about political rectitude: isn’t it political blasphemy to talk of social distinctions? Isn’t this an attempt to breath life back into a corpse better left dead? By no means! The problem with Old World schemes was not that they made distinctions between people, but that they made distinctions in an arbitrary and subjective way. Let’s see if we can talk about behavior while remaining fair and objective.
The first step is to give yourself 1,000 points as a starting point. This reflects the assumption that as we are born, we are perfect in God’s eyes, a la Psalm 139. Step two is to take your clothes off and stand in front of a full-length mirror. Step three is to review the following guidelines, look at yourself, and then subtract points on the basis of what you see. What could be easier? Let’s get started!
Tattoos – Leviticus 19:28
Are there any tattoos anywhere on your body? If so, deduct 25 points for each rendering. If you have a tattoo, and it’s misspelled, or refers to somebody you’re no longer related to, subtract an additional 25 points for each occurrence.
Body Piercings – Job 40:24
Do you have any holes in your body you didn’t have when you were born? If you are a man, subtract 10 points for each extra hole. If you are a woman, and you’re old enough to drive, you get two holes for free, if they’re in your ear lobe. Any other holes, anywhere else, and you must deduct 10 points for each. If there’s a hole in your tongue or your private parts, then take off 100 points for each, because there’s obviously a hole in your head as well.
Facial Hair – Leviticus 19:27
If you are a woman and you have facial hair, subtract 50 points.
If you are a man, and have any facial hair, subtract points according to the following table:
[table id=1 /]Hair – 1 Timothy 2:9
If you are a man, deduct points according to the following table:
[table id=2 /]If you are a woman, deduct points according to the following table:
[table id=3 /]Make-up -Jeremiah 4:30
If you are a man and use any make-up whatsoever, deduct 200 points
If you are a woman, subtract points according to the following table:
[table id=4 /]Jewelry –1 Peter 3:3
If you are a man, you’re entitled to one ring on each hand, assuming one is related to marriage and the other education or profession. You may also have a cross on a chain around your neck, the smaller the better. All other accoutrements require a 20 point deduction. Handcuffs are not jewelry, and impose a 200 point penalty. If you are a woman, you’re entitled to a wedding band, a cross on a chain around the neck, and two earrings, one on each ear. All other items require a 15 point deduction. If you are pregnant and do not have the wedding band, then deduct 500 points.
Body Shape – Jeremiah 5:27
If you are a man and can’t see your penis when you look down, subtract 100 points. If you are a woman and you can’t read the scale when you look down, subtract 100 points. If either gender has had a face lift, subtract 100 points. If either gender has had a boob job, subtract 200 points. If you’ve had a sex change operation, subtract 1,000 points.
Dental – Psalm 3:7
>Open your mouth. Subtract 20 points for any missing tooth apart from wisdom teeth. Subtract 100 points if your teeth are not white due to tobacco use. Subtract 15 points if your teeth are not white because you are British. Subtract 50 points if you needed braces and never got them. Close your mouth, put your clothes on, and sit down.
Wasn’t that fun? The beauty of it is that it’s totally fair and totally objective. You’re never penalized for something you didn’t do to yourself, and there’s no fudging on account of cultural norms. It’s all based on the Bible, so it’s got to be correct! Now, add up your deductions, and compare your score with the following classes:
