“In the following directives I have no praise for you, for your meetings do more harm than good.” I Cor 11:17
We all know that you should choose a church based on important things like, is it close, is the building nice, and most importantly, is the minister good-looking? Assuming success on those scores, however, there are still important factors that set churches apart. Now, for the first time, you have before you a scientific, tried and tested system for separating the wheat from the chaff when it comes to where you spend Sunday morning.
The first serious question the potential church goer must answer about a church is this: do they believe anything? More particularly, do they believe in a plain sense reading of the Bible? If not, they are liberal, and they figure God’s changed his mind. If they believe we still live in a moral universe, they are conservative and okay. How do you know the difference? Ask this one question: “What do you think about ordaining practicing homosexuals?” If they’re for it, subtract 25 points. If they’re against it, add 25 points. If the minister is a practicing homosexual theirself, subtract 50 points.
If they believe heterosexual relations within Holy Matrimony are the norm, then you turn to the second question: do they have a brain? Belief and brains have often been construed as incompatible, so be prepared for disappointment. First, stand outside and look at the building. If they have a sign with pathetic religious aphorisms on it, subtract 10 points. If it lists service times only, add 10 points. Next, go inside and take a look at the minister’s wife’s hair. If it’s piled up higher than physics should allow, subtract five points. Look at his; if it’s a comb-over, subtract 5 points. Then look at the plants around the altar/pulpit. If artificial, subtract 5 points. If cut but real, add five points. If real and alive, add 10 points. Then, listen to the minister talk. If he has a hillbilly accent, subtract 5 points. If he chews gum while talking, subtract five points. If he walks around with a microphone, subtract five points. If he uses a microphone while baptizing by immersion, subtract 10 points. If he wears a blue suit, subtract 5 points. If the sermon’s longer than 20 minutes, subtract one point per minute. If prayers are invoked with “God, we just…” or says God is “awesome,” then subtract a point for each violation. Ditto with grammatical errors such as using “me” in the nominative case, using “lay” instead of “lie,” and ever saying “myself.” If they use the King James Bible, subtract 10 points. If they use the NASB, add 10 points. If they use the Scofield Reference, Ryrie Study or Dake’s Annotated Bibles, leave immediately; the game’s over. If the sermon invites you to get saved, subtract 15 points. If the sermon attempts to apply Biblical principles of behavior to modern problems, add 100 points.
If the score’s somewhere around zero or above, continue to the last phase, which involves sitting through the service. Use this time to study what is said and done that would indicate the church’s attitude toward the Holy Spirit. If they believe He last spoke before the Reformation, subtract 50 points. If they think He last spoke through Martin Luther or Thomas Cranmer, add 25 points. If they think He was at the Synod of Dort more than 20% of the time, subtract 75 points. If they think He only speaks today and everything in the past is junk, subtract 25 points. If the minister’s read Rick Warren’s books, add 10 points. If the minister’s name is Rick Warren, add 50 points. If the minister prays, add 1 point. If the people pray, add 25 points. If the people pray that their enemies would be exposed to temporal defeat to achieve eternal gain, add 100 points. If the service is over 70 minutes long, subtract a point for each minute.
There you have it. If the score’s below 0 and you want to go, you had better believe in Eternal Security. If the score’s between 0 and 75, you can go and not be damned immediately. If it’s above 75, the minister may actually be a Christian who listens to God. Put money in the plate and pray for the place. You win.
